tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69095237805416530042024-01-27T08:34:37.767-08:00Goddess to Goddess: Mothering for a New EarthIf what you are looking for in parenting talk is obedience, maintaining the status quo, guiding young adults toward practical careers with benefits and other societal ideas of “security,” you’ve come to the wrong blog.Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-74372859365595062222021-04-11T14:54:00.003-07:002022-08-28T11:18:10.482-07:00Where it Began Part Three: PARENTING TOOLS<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">PROMOTING PEACE: Parenting Tools</span></p><p><span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>It seems almost unnatural</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> <i>to reach out during a heated moment, a moment of yes-no polarization, a moment when you are about to get your way, a moment when you do not want to give an inch! But that is the perfect time to do so. Use the heat of the moment as your guide: that’s the time to reconnect, not to try to get your way. It is within you to reach beyond personality, beyond fear and shame, beyond that particular moment that seems so fueled by importance. As you reach, one Goddess to another, do so with this understanding: we are stronger when united. We can create peace on Earth, right here, right now. And if mothers and daughters can’t create peace in any given moment, who can?</i></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><b>When Lily was 13 my hair was uncool, my jeans were uncool,</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> her phone was more fascinating than my voice. Her friends spoke an irresistible language that was better than mine. Or perhaps my voice was uncool. She occasionally found it impossible not to hurl an insult at me or use an inappropriate word. It would have been so easy, then and there, to simply ground her, remove her ice cream or computer privileges, or throw her phone over the fence (honestly the most tempting of those options). But through experience, having slowed myself down when it appeared she was so ungrateful that her only option was to lash out, I have realized that what she was <i>actually</i> feeling was a lack of power. Right when she was becoming more independent and full of her own radiant energy, the truth was, I still had the ultimate power, as her mother, to say no, to thwart her efforts to become even more powerful. When I did, what she retained was...the power to lash out at me. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Rather than reacting to the personal insult, I would reply as though she has just declared, “I feel powerless!” </span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>This disarmed her. She felt heard.</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> There was nothing to fight against. (Later, when we were not so heated, I would remind her that personal insults, name calling, or kicking the interior of my car, were not permitted behavior.) Holding power does not have to involve wielding power over another person. Instead, it can mean empowerment. Power includes restraint over our own demonic need to lash out.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Lily learned that the moment she felt the heat of powerlessness, the acceleration of hatred toward me, her perceived captor, that </span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>it was best to just let go,</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> to realize it was not about me, that she didn’t truly hate me, that she was just feeling frustrated, powerless, or thwarted. We practiced. And practiced. And practiced. And it worked. Together we learned to create peace, and that knowledge has extended into our other relationships.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">HONOR THE GODDESS WITHIN</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">When mothers and daughters are in conflict with one another, the Divine Feminine energy we share is fragmented. </span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Here’s where I suggest beginning:</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> </b>notice where, when, and why you want to control your daughter’s behavior. Does her behavior reflect poorly on you? Does her behavior matter to your spouse, or to your own parents or friends? To strangers? Do you want them to have a good impression of your connection with your daughter, or is it simply that you have an idea of how you want her to behave? Then, notice where she wants to control your behavior. Does your singing embarrass her? Is it your uncool outfit, your loud voice…or your too-quiet voice? Does she want you to do things or buy things that are against your inner voice? How does it feel to be tugged by your offspring? </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Enlightened parenting is yogic.</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> Like yoga, it involves being strong yet flexible. Being balanced. Releasing the need to struggle. Rejecting the use of fear or shame. Being an example of ease and grace and glow. It seeks mutual power and teaches independence. It can even mean enjoying the moment of conflict, because you know it will bring growth. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Here are five tools</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> to help mothers become fully present and bring your heated moments back into alignment:</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">TOOL #1</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">A CODE WORD. Decide on a red flag together. Choose a word or phrase that will yank you out of conflict and draw your attention. “Can we talk about it?” was ours. It worked wonders! We experimented to find the one that worked consistently and prevented a conflict from accelerating. (I recommend using a single word, if possible.) We were in agreement that someone had to stop our conflicts from escalating, and we were the only two there, so it had to be one of us! <b>Typically, Lily was the one who remembered to say the magic words.</b></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">The reward was inherent in the stopping. Rather than getting what either of us wanted in the moment, we got <b>harmony,</b> which we both acknowledged was more satisfying than anything we could have gained individually in any given moment.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">TOOL #2</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">DO-OVERS. Do-overs work best—and can even be fun--when the situation is not yet overheated, when one or the other realizes that the last words said or the words she is about to say may not be the most civil. In order for do-overs to work, both of you have to truly disregard whatever was just said and start all over. It won’t work if you’re invested in proving the other person wrong. It’s about letting go. It’s an offer for--and an acceptance of--a clean start, wiping the slate clean and beginning again. Do-overs were a fun addition to our interactions. If we noticed a disharmonic state beginning, we would simply request a do-over. It worked! When the ego is willing to let go of being powerful, the willing participants in a do-over are suffused with a euphoria that is unmatched by any “win” in a conflict. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Here’s a real-life example:</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">“What on EARTH have you been doing in here? You said you were going to do your homework!”</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">“Mom, do you want to have a do-over?”</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">“Ok, um…Lily, I see that you’ve taken an astonishing array of your clothes out of the closet and scattered them throughout your room. I’m worried you’ll never put them back.”</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">“After I finished my homework, I went through all my clothes so I can give some away. These are actually organized piles. They just don’t look like it to you.” Indeed.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">TOOL #3</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">COMMON GROUND. What do you and your daughter agree on? What do you disagree on? Asking these questions provides an opportunity to immediately find common ground, and its opposite. In seeking common ground, you recognize you are on the same side. Identifying the area of disagreement causes it to seem smaller and more manageable and provides time to cool down from the initial heat of the disagreement. Usually, our long-term intentions were aligned, but our paths to get there diverged. This tool worked when we both felt enflamed. It paved the way for compromise.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">TOOL #4 </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">KEY QUESTION. In a “yes-no fight,” as Lily called them, she recommends daughters ask a key question: “Is there anything I could do or say that would make you say yes?” It’s a reframing. If I say yes to that question, I am not saying yes to her request; I am just committing to consider it. But it’s a yes that can feel good to both parties. With this question, I hear Lily saying, “I am willing to put in some effort in order to get what I want,” and I am thrilled that she is going to stop urgently pressuring me to say yes, and actually do something to move the discussion along smoothly. The question itself is empowering. It made Lily feel less a victim of my inherent power, and more like a director of her own life. Introducing this question into your daughter’s life will be mutually empowering.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">TOOL #5:</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">TIME-OUT. Remember toddler “time-outs”? Announce a time-out for yourself the minute you feel yourself going down a familiar path of reaction. Take a moment to disengage from what your daughter is doing or feeling. If you have been practicing breathing and connecting through yoga or meditation, this is merely the next step. It may be difficult, but by simply announcing, “I need a time-out!” you pull yourself out of your usual reaction. Announce in advance, in a peaceful moment, that you are going to do something new: a mother’s time-out. Ask your daughter to respect it by allowing it to unfold without protest. Assure her that it will help you both. During your time-out, evaluate whether you had been using fear, shame, or control, and remind yourself that you don’t want her to learn to be controlled with these old-paradigm mechanisms of manipulation.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Our daughters are more evolved than we were at their age</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;">, and they are inhabiting a different world. In today’s world, the most valuable parenting tool is your own consciousness. From that place, teach your daughter that she is Divine, and a powerful creator. For both mothers and daughters, this knowledge is the ultimate empowerment. Enlightenment is simply knowing that you have a choice from this moment to the next—and therein lies the power to consciously create a peaceful and loving environment and secure, loving relationships. <b>If you are tempted to start a MoonBeams mother-daughter circle of your own, please reach out. </b></span></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-21550167142546141632021-04-11T14:45:00.006-07:002021-04-18T12:56:44.938-07:00Where it Began Part Two: POWER DYNAMICS<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> <span style="text-align: center;">ENLIGHTENED PARENTING</span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Together, Lily and I consciously designed a paradigm for our relationship in which I was neither unbending authority nor permissive friend.</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> Like the connection that began with her massage, our paradigm evolved as we evolved. I was thrilled that it paid dividends when she was in adolescence, and we’ve been teaching mothers and daughters to create their own paradigms in our MoonBeams Mother-Daughter Circles ever since. At first I felt unmoored, but my temporary discomfort was worth it. Be patient. It’s a process.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As Lily embarked on being a teenager, when I was asked by friends and well-meaning strangers if it had gotten harder yet, I replied that </span><span style="font-size: large;">it was actually getting easier!</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> We had created a groove using this premise: we are souls on a path together, linked permanently, and we can make our journey pleasant or unpleasant, as long as we both know we have a choice in every moment. Enlightenment simply means having a choice.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">RELINQUISHING POWER</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Gradually, </span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I had to give up the power that had taken me ten years to accrue.</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> I practiced letting go of needing to be right, needing to have the last word. I had to invent ways of smoothly releasing my power in a way that felt comfortable to both of us. I had let go of thinking I needed to teach Lily a critical life lesson during the hectic five minutes before we left for school. But I was motivated by my observation that letting go worked! Magically, after our mutual willingness to let go in any given inflamed moment, magically, we would have a moment later that evening during which she or I would remember our earlier firey episode and say, “Can we talk about it? How can we do it differently next time?” </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">It truly was a miracle.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> I had an emotional, talkative, and occasionally offensive teenager. We were allowed to be mad at each other, but we were not allowed to blame each other, intend to hurt each other, or call each other names. And as a mother, I had to release any notion that using shame or fear to get her to behave was helpful. And, in retrospect, I see that it taught my daughter not to be susceptible to other people’s use of shame or fear to get her to do what they want her to do.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Letting go of power meant disengaging my will—right when Lily was starting to grow hers. It was almost counterintuitive. But that’s because the old script says that when the other team gets stronger, you fight even harder. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>(Look where that’s led the world.)</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We practiced—and practiced—letting go during times of conflict. It was much more difficult for me, because I had been practicing the art of holding on, of digging in, for 40-something years! I like to get my way! I have a habit of holding on to an argument—because I’m right! Lily has inherited her share of right-ness as well, but she was more willing, in the heat and drama and attachment and escalation and resistance, to be the one to say, “Mom, let’s not do this.” She never felt like she was giving in or giving up power. This path appealed to her because it was fun and rewarding to do things in a different way.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Together we realized beyond a doubt that </span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>the only way anyone actually won was if we both let go</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;">, if we both released that ancient and undesirable feeling of digging in, of getting our way. On a larger scale, if we can’t surrender to peace in a mother-daughter relationship, how can there be peace on Earth? What would the world be like, in the future, if today’s kids learned to enjoy the peaceful art of surrender, if they learned that true power lies in mutual empowerment? Getting to the point where we truly know in each moment that we have a choice—and make a conscious one--has been our very gratifying path. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Something about the role of mother</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> seems to necessitate using fear and shame as behavior control. But there is a moment when it stops working--or starts working…against you. I rejected shame and fear as discipline or motivation for Lily, and I encourage other mothers to reject it with their daughters too.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Eventually Lily and I reached a new stage: recognizing the moment of potential conflict escalation. We came to know—from experience—the heated moment was summoning us to surrender to the beauty of that moment, </span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>to the joy that potentially awaited.</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> Today, we don’t dig in our heels; we don’t gear up to win. Before a conflict even arises, we know we are both going to win. In an ironic twist, that moment of potential conflict brings with it an element of delight—the delight of surrender. It can happen with a glance in a crowded supermarket, or with a high five in our own kitchen.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">CONTINUED in <a href="https://goddesstogoddess.blogspot.com/2021/04/where-it-began-part-three-parenting.html" target="_blank">Part Three</a></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><p></p>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-35406614834285743912021-04-11T14:21:00.005-07:002021-04-18T09:38:56.187-07:00Where it Began, Part One<p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>When Lily was five</b></span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> and I was taking steps to leave her father, I attended a spiritual retreat in Sedona. There were two girls in that group who were accompanying their mothers, one nine, and the other four. I was taken by the dynamics between these mothers and their daughters—their relationship seemed much more solid than ours. In addition, I wouldn’t have dreamed of taking my daughter to a retreat! I was so impressed that these little girls could witness the adults’ spiritual growth, be present while adults made key discoveries and took important steps in their adult lives, and hold space with patience and reverence.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">My daughter’s not like that, I thought. And our relationship isn’t like theirs; it’s not as deep, not as close. </span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>She prefers her dad, I realized, with regret.</b></span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> For the past three years he had put her to bed every night, because I simply didn’t want to anymore. We spent every day together. I had breastfed for a good long time (some even said too long), and after that, my mothering day ended when her dad arrived home from work. I would make some dinner and leave to teach yoga, a vastly more interesting activity than giving a toddler a bath. Lily and I had a certain rapport, a certain respect for each other, but I had never realized the depth of what we didn’t have until I sat in that circle with those two mothers and their daughters. When it was my turn to speak, I opened my mouth to verbalize that epiphany, to tell the 40 other people in the circle what I wished I could create with my daughter, but instead of talking, I wept. I wasn’t merely moved to tears. I wept deeply, loudly, for what I didn’t have. In retrospect, I grieved. At the end of the retreat, my intention was to return home and create what I wanted. I had no idea how; I just knew what I wanted it to look and feel like. I arrived back in Chicago open to new possibilities.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">As a yoga teacher, </span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>I begin by simply being present,</b></span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> by listening and feeling. As a mother, I began by listening to Lily’s words, and to the feelings beneath them, wondering how we’d embark on our new path of connection. To my surprise, when I became fully present, I sensed our connection needed…a massage. I had another epiphany: I’d been giving the best of what I had to offer to my yoga clients. After Lily had stopped breastfeeding, I had relinquished the bedtime ritual to her dad, or was simply willing Lily to sleep, on the rare occasions when he was out in the evening. I sensed that just a few minutes of physical connection at the end of the day would be a gift to my daughter, just like it was to my yoga clients. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">For Lily’s first massage, I warmed the lotion in my hands, then made smooth circles on her little back. Within the first minute, she lifted her head and gazed back at me in such surprise and wonder that I too had a moment of wonder: What had I done? Were my hands too cold?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">“Mommy! This feels sooo good!” She was in awe of the glory of reverent touch! It was so easy--her back was tiny, my hands comparatively large, and </span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>the connection I wanted was growing already,</b></span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> nonverbally. In the midst of my weeping in the Sedona circle, I didn’t imagine it would be this easy, pleasant, and fast to create what I had longed for. Our relationship grew from there. It grew from listening, from being conscious, and from teaching Lily to be conscious, rather than obedient. When asked what my “parenting style” was, I called it “enlightened parenting.”</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> </span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">ENLIGHTENED PARENTING</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>Enlightened parenting is not the easiest path.</b></span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> It is certainly not well worn. It would have been easier for me to go on autopilot and parent like I was parented, with unbending authority, flavored with anger and punctuated by shame. Oh, I’m pretty good at unbending, angry authority, but I knew that in this unyielding scenario, growing girls either have to sneak around, or get in trouble if they’re caught. For other mothers, it is even easier to do the opposite: just say yes, because it causes fewer conflicts and fewer tears and no policing. That becomes their default, because isn’t life easier with a happy daughter? It can be. But what about those times when “yes” simply isn’t an option?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Sometimes, afraid to stifle her daughter’s will, a mother lets her daughter do and have what she wants. But when daughter becomes a teenager, right when the stakes are highest, she doesn’t know how to set her own limits. The mother’s goal of having an empowered daughter—a daughter whose will is not stifled--is thwarted by the daughter herself: her will to get what she wants is overdeveloped, and has become stronger than her self-discipline, her inner voice. She rushes to get what she wants, because she’s used to it. In this scenario a teenager can find herself in situations for which she is not emotionally ready.</span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Wherever your default parenting setting lies on the spectrum from strict to permissive, the role of “mother” is thick with expectations. I remember a significant moment when Lily was nine. I had said something she disagreed with and began to walk away. Glancing back, I noticed an expression on her face that I’d never seen before, an expression that implied, </span><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>maybe you’re not actually the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world.</b></span></i><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> </b>It was arresting. It felt like the foreshadowing of adolescence that all those well-meaning strangers had warned me about. How would we navigate that? I decided then and there to do it consciously, and with support. I looked around for books, for information, for support groups, and found none. I realized then that I would have to create them! </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: medium;">CONTINUED <a href="https://goddesstogoddess.blogspot.com/2021/04/where-it-began-part-two-power-dynamics.html" target="_blank">HERE</a></span></span></p><div><br /></div>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-49421209722803742962021-03-04T12:51:00.004-08:002021-03-06T11:27:36.424-08:00Conscious Mothering: Be Your Own Angel<p> <span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">How can we teach our daughters to be conscious?</span><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> By being conscious ourselves. It takes only a change in perspective, not any extra time, to begin to alter your consciousness. That shift in perspective is easier when you have some guidance and support from other mothers. MoonBeams mother-daughter circles are a place where mothers and daughters can share an extraordinary space, slow down life a little bit, and go back to being more conscious in everyday moments. We can savor the everyday moments more when we are fully conscious, rather than replying to our daughters in a reactive, habitual way. What if, during your frustrating moments with your daughter, an angel waved a little flag that said, “Remember, she’s practicing being Powerful this month”? You would smile an inner smile and allow her the space to express her Power (which is very different from letting her run the house). </span></p><p><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">That “angel” waving the flag,</span></span><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> by the way, is your own awareness. MoonBeams helps us tune into that awareness.</span></p><p><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span> </span>Early sexualization is just another symptom of our cultural shadow. I recommend dance as a way for your growing girl to move her body sexually, without needing a partner. (There is no benefit to repressing sexual energy. There is huge benefit to not needing to prematurely share it with a partner.) Girls can learn to celebrate their own sensuality without having to do it with or FOR someone. She can learn to move her body not for someone else, but for her own personal enjoyment. </span><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>Try it yourself. </b></span></p><p><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span> </span>Rather than looking in the mirror, just feel the movement, the rhythm; it’s not about whether you look cool, it’s about whether you are accessing your own deep rhythms. </span><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">If you don’t know what I mean,</span><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> this exercise is definitely for you! Being in touch with one’s sexuality is a positive thing; however, girls sharing it before they are emotionally mature and fully aware of what they are actually sharing rarely ends up feeling positive. For girls who are not dancers, run, ride a horse, write a poem, paint a picture, create a masterpiece in any way that inspires you—sexual energy is just creative energy, best channeled into a creative project rather than directed toward partners who probably aren’t ready to exchange sexual energy either. The safety of a mother-daughter circle is the perfect place to explore new ways of being. Fully owning one’s physicality and sexuality creates truly empowered girls. Let’s show them how it’s done. </span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">MoonBeams mother-daughter circles begin every September</span></span><span style="color: #990000; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">, but we start creating groups a few months before. Please reach out if you and your 9- or 10-year-old daughter would like to join or create a group.</span></p><div><br /></div>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-33997561976966820772020-11-01T13:13:00.002-08:002020-11-01T13:35:14.364-08:00Role Models...a mother-daughter book excerpt<p><span style="font-size: large;">When I was growing up,</span> there was only one female spiritual role model, and <span style="font-size: large;">she was a virgin</span>. That was unquestioned, at the time--it was all I knew in my fairly insular world. But in retrospect Mary’s virginity kept my mother, for instance, from being a goddess—an empowered spiritual role model. It also kept me from thinking I could grow into someone whose spirit was embodied. <span style="font-size: large;">I learned to look outside myself for spirit. </span>My image of spirit, of God, was a grandfatherly man. There was no spiritual role model for a cool contemporary woman who was married, had kids, enjoyed sex and felt sexy, had a fulfilling career or a passion, and expressed herself creatively. There was no role model for someone who followed the Voice of her Heart. There was a lot of reaction at that time in history to the change of social visibility for women: when I was growing up, most people still thought a woman’s place was in the home. I knew that adage very well. My daughter has never heard of that adage. Those homes no doubt sheltered many women and many girls whose dreams were limited due to the lack of role models of happy, satisfied, productive, juicy women. <span style="font-size: large;">We are blessed to be living in more evolved times,</span> though it’s certainly not utopia—yet.</p><p>When more women started working at jobs outside the home—this shifted during my teens--it doubled the amount of “stuff” a family could afford…consequently families needed two cars, and they needed to pay for childcare so both parents could work. Some women balanced work, parenting, and play in a fulfilling way; some women burned out. They were transformational times, women were pioneers, yet the world was still locked into some old paradigms. There is more and more support today, like day care and longer maternity leave, but the underlying assumption is still there: that we work so we can afford to buy good stuff, pay for a good education, so that our kids can work so they can afford to buy good stuff and a good education for their kids. What about people who want more? <span style="font-size: large;">I want more. My daughter wants more. We both want a rich life—but a life rich with deep interaction, deep satisfaction, deep connection.</span> I seek that out with and for her. Is there a role model for that yet? This “more” cannot be bought. It is an experience of Spirit—limitless happiness, not dependent on externals. Not dependent on external success. Not dependent on external “stuff.”</p><p>Today there are a range of goddesses that girls can choose from, whether they search ‘goddess’ or discover in their community the range of real women who have rocked their own worlds, who have found happy balance and creative expression. Look around. Simply looking at creative women as “spiritual role models” can change a girl’s life. Instead of “What do I need to wear or own to be cool?” an aware daughter will be asking: “What do I need to be or do to make my spirit soar?” She will know that opening up to her own inherent creativity is a sure path to an articulate inner voice and deep fulfillment. And she will help her mother understand that too.</p><p><span style="color: #e69138;"><span style="font-size: large;">Look within. See the Divinity we all embody.</span> </span> Make the shift to an internal creator and an internal authority, and watch your daughter do the same.</p><p><span style="font-size: large;">The Divine Feminine</span></p><p>When you hear the word ‘Goddess’ what comes up for you? Does it remind you of granola? The new age? The antichrist? A fairy godmother? No image at all? –if not, no wonder the daughters of the world have searched for their spirit externally through clothing and makeup and video games. You know how to reach all the important players in your life. What about the Divine Feminine? How do you reach Her? Did you know that she speaks through and to your heart? Do you know how much her presence can enrich your life?</p><p><span style="font-size: large;">The Goddess is requesting our presence right now in order to strengthen the feminine energy in the places where it leaks. </span> It is weak wherever women are in competition (including mothers and daughters!), rather than in support of, each other (around guys, around looking good physically, around appearing successful and happy and young). Let’s not pass this leaking legacy on to our daughters. Let’s teach them that supporting each other strengthens all of us!</p><p>What is missing from girls’ lives, what is making them grow up to be mean to each other in middle school and feel threatened by each other as though girl-bullying is a “rite” of passage—as opposed to honoring their connection to their inner voice, the voice of their heart. They have not been taught to <span style="font-size: large;">honor each other simply for who they are</span>—differences are not tolerated, and often ridiculed. These girls are just speaking for a culture in which “mainstream” is honored and eccentricity is not. Being mean or being a victim of mean girls is not a rite of passage, it is a symptom of not having taught our daughters to honor themselves and each other (and, hey, us, while we’re at it. So let’s get AT it!).</p><p><span style="font-size: large;">The Inner Voice—not to be ignored</span></p><p>Teaching your daughter how to hear and honor her inner voice—the voice of the Goddess--is priceless, because it is going to be her barometer for the rest of her life, as the rules and traditions of society modify and alter. That is what she needs to be able to hear, above the din of media and friends and music and movies and tv shows and ads and YouTube. Her inner voice needs to be cultivated; it is her barometer, her compass, and her direct link to the Divine Feminine.</p><p>Teaching girls to be internally empowered now will help them as teens, so they don’t spew out external power and a desire to control everyone around them...<span style="font-size: large;">including their mothers!</span></p><div><br /></div>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-53580132533660103042020-10-10T12:51:00.008-07:002020-10-10T12:54:46.710-07:00A Snippet from Lily: this one's for the girls!<p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> Which of these is the right point of view to have: thinking <i>I’m so great</i>, or thinking, <i>I’m not good enough</i>?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Let’s imagine: if we have a bunch of girls wrongly thinking, “I’m so great, better than you!” and another bunch of girls wrongly thinking, “I’m so not good enough, not as good as you!” what might happen? Often the not-good-enough-feelers will do what the so-great-feelers want, because it will make them feel better. And the so-great-feelers will feel popular and liked, when they have a following.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">So who is right? What does “right” even mean? Who determines what or who is right? Are you great? Better than? Less than? Which is the real story?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">LET’S START FROM LOVE</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Maybe you have a close friend. Maybe you have a few good friends. Maybe more than a few. Take a moment and feel how many friends love you. Even the ones who sometimes give you trouble love you! Imagine your family surrounding you. These people love you no matter what. You are part of a network of people, all connected by LOVE. Draw your network of friends here, with yourself in the middle:</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Stop and feel the love! Love is real! Stories are not. Whether you think you’re not as good as everyone else, or better than everyone else (or somewhere in between) those are just stories we make up to see where we fit in. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">It’s great to start from a place of love, to find out where you fit in. Look at your drawing and see how you fit into a network of love. Love is happening all the time, even when you are not feeling it. If you are ever not feeling it, come back here and look at your network of love, just to remind you that it’s there.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">NOW WHAT?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Desire. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">I bet there is something you really want, right now. Maybe it is more than one thing. You want to do or be something or go somewhere or buy something or meet someone. Think about what it is. If what you want is bringing you conflict with your self or with your mom, it is time to re-route. Re-direct your desire. Wanting is endless. There will always be something to want. Sometimes we want things that will make us feel like we fit in. What if your desire could be harnessed and directed toward making you so happy, forever, so you no longer need to be or have something different, in order to be happy, or fit in?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><b>What if your desire was to feel peaceful?</b> Have you ever wondered why countries go to war, and how it is that people can find reasons to kill each other? It is a big world issue, too complex to even understand for most of us. I ask myself: but how can we have world peace if I can’t have peace within my own heart? How can we have world peace if I can’t have peace with my mom? Through creating peace inside ourselves and peace between mothers and daughters we actually can help create peace on earth. Peace begins within, with you. Our inner voice is a peaceful voice. The inner voice tells us what to do to create peace, all the time. It speaks peacefully to you. That’s how you can recognize it. Do you want to learn to hear it? If so, desire is a great place to start. If you have the desire for something that does not actually feel peaceful, hmmm...go back into your inner world and see what’s up with that!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Here is my desire: “To light up what’s going on between moms and girls.” </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;">Sounds simple, right? That’s what I thought, too, until I started. I was surprised to see what happens when girls start to grow up. As you get older and smarter, your mom seems less smart. But guess what? She is just as smart as ever. It’s just that your perspective changes. I’m here to help you change perspectives in a way that doesn’t lead to being angry with each other.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><b>Mothers and Daughters are more alike than they are different. </b> But the key is remembering that! I have been told human mothers and daughters can sometimes get to feeling like they are strangers who don’t understand each other at all. I don’t think it was meant to be that way, and that won’t be happening to you and your mom, if I can help it!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">How do you want your relationship with your mom to be? You can decide, and MAKE it like that, as long as you and your mom are both ready and cool with it. Are you in?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Before we go any further, what do you want MORE of in your mother-daughter life together?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">What do you want less of?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">But before we create your relationship the way you want it to be, first you are going to learn to hear your inner voice. Maybe you are already good at this. Maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. Well, there’s no right or wrong on this adventure. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">The more you listen to your inner voice, the more interesting it will be. There’s a lot going on! When it knows you’re listening, the messages will get better and better. Mine is very interesting! It is what told me what to write in this book! Inside YOU is where the Divine voice lives.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Decide on a time when that would work for you, a time when you can fully relax.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Once you are disconnected from the outside world, what are you going to do? You’re going to do this book. This book works best when you are fully unplugged. You don’t have to unplug your computer; you have to unplug yourself from your computer.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">An experiment: Turn one thing off each day. By choice. Determine what it’s going to be. Commit to and choose one THING each day to turn off for at least an hour. Notice the feelings that come up and see what your electronic connection used to add to your life. After getting used to not having it, make a conscious decision whether or not you want to invite it back in. If it is adding something to your life that you like, see if there is another way of bringing this same quality in, without plugging in. </span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">The 10-Breath Reunion….</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><i>Every day at a time of your choice, stop to take ten breaths. Make them conscious breaths. What does that mean? It means feel them. Feel the life flowing in—if you didn’t have your breath, you wouldn’t be alive! Let life fill you up, and feel it. Also feel the peaceful release, like you are exhaling peace out into the Universe. Ahhh. Know that the Goddess flows into and through you along with your breath, and give her a peaceful, happy journey during those 10 breaths.</i></span></p><div><br /></div>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-62601218985228574492020-09-26T13:16:00.000-07:002020-09-26T13:16:52.895-07:00A Word from Rachel<p> INTRODUCTION: HOW THIS BOOK BEGAN</p><p>Several years ago I was inspired to create a monthly gathering with my daughter, her friends, and their mothers. We’ve been meeting monthly ever since. We voted to call our circle MoonBeams. I imagined our girls as little beams of light, gathering once a month to shine in full splendor, just like the moon, lighting up the darkness. Some of these monthly MoonBeams gatherings live inside me as the best evenings of my life. The girls—now teenagers—loved these evenings. I was inspired to lead mother-daughter circles by the desire that all mothers have to stay connected to our daughters through their adolescence.</p><p>Beginning when Lily was about two years old, well-meaning friends and relatives and especially strangers began to say, “Oh, just wait. Wait till she becomes a teenager. Enjoy her now, because…” and their voices would trail off into doom. </p><p>Because what? She would pierce her tongue? Embark upon promiscuity? Get a Mohawk? One parenting book back then offered that the “terrible two’s” were a foreshadowing of adolescence, so I watched Lily during her two’s for a hint. Although she was not prone to temper tantrums, her two’s did bring on a very peaceful violation of social decorum when she got into a puzzling habit of deliberately and impishly urinating on the floor. I was not amused. How on earth would that kind of dreadful behavior manifest in adolescence? I was being programmed by well-meaning others to expect rebellion, though I actually looked forward to her maturity. I felt, in fact, that I’d be fine…that I even liked teenagers. I wondered, what if I gave her teen years the space to be different? Daughters, too, are programmed—by movies, songs, friends, tv--that as they get older, parents are the last things they want to have around. I was willing to have it be the opposite. What if she actually still liked me when she entered her teens? I was open to it.</p><p>REALITY STRIKES</p><p>Still—after Lily turned nine, it seemed like some preparation might prove to be helpful. I couldn’t help but notice that she was developing a will of her own, and her will seemed to be developing a life of its own. She was becoming less likely to acquiesce—my formerly agreeable child. The foreshadowing of conflict on various minor occasions told me that it was time to initiate some shifts. I could feel myself wanting to clamp down and impose some rules—which I’d never previously needed. Rules felt potentially satisfying, yet harsh. What other option was there?</p><p>I looked for a book specifically to help me guide these shifts: hers from external to internal authority, mine from full authority to co-creator, but I didn’t find the help I sought. I wanted there to be an answer out there in the world. There wasn’t. I pondered a new pathway. A different perspective. I knew if it weren’t fun, she’d want no part in it. I considered what I knew about kids and yoga and personal growth. I rerouted our path.</p><p>IT WORKED!</p><p>This book is the fruit of those shifts and a description of our path. Good news! Our little games and exercises and secret codes were fun! She liked them. They were harder for me than for her—I was more stuck in old ways of relating than she was. We began to shift from potential adversaries to potential partners. We let each other flourish rather than shutting each other down. My teenager is brilliant—far better than I--at co-creating the reality we prefer, of letting go of her fierce will and coaxing me to let go of my habitual one, so that we can coexist happily and peacefully. And we do.</p><p>As we progressed I took notes. Those notes, in the form of this book, offer mothers of daughters support in a way that lets their daughters flourish while staying safe and protected on their journey toward adolescence. Meanwhile Lily offers daughters fun ideas and exercises to help them go from dependence to independence in a peaceful and conscious way.</p><div><br /></div>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-30035532091578553842020-09-11T11:06:00.003-07:002020-09-11T12:24:21.274-07:00A Word from Lily Fiske <p><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><i>Book excerpt from MoonBeams: a Mother-Daughter Revolution ~</i></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><b style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;">Introduction</span></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">Hello, my name is LILY!<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">Usually my mom and I get along great. Usually I think she is cool, and she thinks I'm...well, anywhere from a good person to an amazing award winning daughter. But there are those other times, times when I think she is completely dumb and wrong, and she thinks "Omg I've raised a monster!" And in those times, I am glad we did all the stuff in this book. Because no matter how much we are misunderstanding each other and want to cry, there is still a part of us that totally, totally knows that our wrath is not going to last much longer. Because there is this life preserver floating out there in the deep dark waters, and one of us just has to reach out and grab hold, then grab hold of the other person's hand, and we're good. And that life preserver is...all the stuff in this book!<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">It is kind of normal for mothers and daughters to get into it with each other, but it doesn't have to last all day, and we don't have to hold grudges. Ever. I will help you make that gruesome stuff NOT happen.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">To me, the coolest thing about this book is that you get to train your mom. You get to be the one who says, "Let's do this a better way." My mom was trainable. Yours probably is too.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><i>--Lily Fiske 2016</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">P.S. In this book you will learn to:<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">1. Recognize your inner voice.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">2. Choose to listen to its call.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">3. Change anger with your mom to relaxed happiness.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">4. Finally get that giraffe you’ve been wanting!</span><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><b>Getting Underneath Your Ego:</b></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">So, you’re wondering what your “Ego” is? Well I have the answer. Think of your Ego like glue. (E-goo. Ew.) It’s the glue that keeps you sticking to a story even when proven wrong. Because it is the part of you that always wants to be right, and it wants praise for being right. The Ego is the part of you that never wants to give in, give up, or come to a compromise. Is also the part that asks, “What if…?” It is afraid of new things and afraid to get hurt. It’s the thing that makes you feel like you are better than other people—or worse than other people! Very tricky, Ego!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Your Ego can be helpful sometimes, but only when it is connected to your heart. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">What Kind of Person?</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Do you ever think about what you want to be when you grow up? Do you ever think about what kind of person you want to be? When you really do think about it, there are so many choices! There are so many different kinds of women and teenagers out there and they all have different voices, they are reaching out to you, inviting you to join them. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Look around and notice this. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">So here’s the big question… “Which voice do I listen to?”</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">And the answer? Yours. Always listen to your inner voice. I listen to mine and my mom listens to hers. And your friends? They listen to theirs, I hope.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">And an even bigger question? How do we hear that voice?</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">How do we hear it over all the sounds that happen around us? How can you hear it over your parents’ cell phone ringtones, your cell phone ringtone, when you are wearing earphones, and when you have such a busy schedule?</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Another answer: we hear this inner voice by setting aside time to hear it, time to listen. We need to set aside time because this voice is silent. So do it. Before bed, and even right when you wake up. Listen.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Want to know why I find my inner voice awesome, and you will too? Because it’s totally mine. And yours is totally yours! It will never leave you, once you find it, and it will be there for the rest of your life! It’s kind of like your best friend and it will honor you when you set aside some time to listen to it. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">With my inner voice, I can change what is happening in a situation just by being quiet and listening. If I’m not happy, I can close my eyes and change that, just by being connected with my inner voice.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Here’s the question I know you’d ask me if I were with you: How do I hear my “inner voice” If it’s silent? </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Well I have the answer, of course…through practice! You won’t hear it outside yourself, where there are all the distractions of the universe. So set some time to listen, without any phones, computers, video games and all that fun rubbish. Once you have tuned out all the gadgets in your home, you will find that your inner voice is just as interesting to be with. You will find its unique, quiet expression interesting too.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Make sure to take time out daily or weekly or monthly to tune into your new bff, so that when you are older and there are cute boys, parties, cars, colleges, and even more noise and distraction, you will be familiar with it when you need it most. And you will rock!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">Extra credit: Listen for her in the morning when you awaken, too.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><for more book excerpts, follow this blog or join my email list: <a href="https://www.ugoddessyoga.com/" target="_blank">UGoddessYoga</a>></span></span></p><div><br /></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></span></p>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-1998295076399350142018-03-10T20:19:00.002-08:002023-04-05T09:51:46.657-07:00That Pesto Blog <div class="MsoNormal">
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: x-large;">When my mom didn’t call, or
send a card,</span><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"> on my birthday last August (said the Leo),</span><span style="font-size: large;"> it was clear something
was up. She had a decades-long track record of on-time birthday cards, so the
next day I called to see whether her normally remarkable memory was failing
her, or whether it was something I’d said…but she confessed, she just hadn’t
had the energy--she didn’t want to worry me, but she was experiencing a bit of
a health condition. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">Every time (I realize that
sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s not) my mom and I get ready to hang up the phone, from
the early 80’s until practically the other day, she mentions food. I’d say,
“I’ve got to go…” and she’d say, “I thought I’d make a lasagna, so I’m
defrosting a pound of ground beef,” or “I wish you could have been here for
breakfast. I made hash browns from last night’s potatoes.” When I pointed her
habit out, about 20 years ago, she said, surprised, “I do?” which was amusing
in the way that two other remarks of hers had been amusing: one, at dinner with
my dad in 1981, when the waiter asked for clarification on my mom’s order, and
she replied, “Just bring me whatever you want. I’m not fussy.” My dad and I both said, amused, “But you’re the fussiest person we know!” And that was true. At
least around food. She was very food-fussy. And her other amusing remark,
also directed to me and my dad, at some other time and some other restaurant, was “Oh, you know how much I <i>hate</i> to talk on the phone.” And my dad and I both
said, amused, “But you're <i>always</i> on the phone!” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">Introspection and self-reflection were not two of my mom’s passions. Food, and
talking on the phone, however, were.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: small;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">So she didn’t call me on my
birthday, and of course I could have called her on my <i>own</i> birthday, but that
seemed confrontational, accusational, and on my call the following day I put
her on speaker so my daughter Lily, the great generational buffer, could
generationally buffer us. </span><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">My mom mentioned casually that she felt so weak
from her unnamed health condition that she would “probably never cook again,” which
(though it turned out to be true) was quite frankly unthinkable, so I whispered
to Lily, “<i>What about pesto?!</i>”</span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">“Not even pesto?” my
often-obedient daughter inquired. My mom hesitated, then said quietly that
she’d try to make Lily some pesto. She had been sending my daughter a few jars
of pesto a year since she was two years old--and had sent it to me for years,
before Lily was born. Twenty-seven years of pesto, in Mason jars. We'd bought
pesto at Whole Foods, we ordered it at restaurants, we tried boutique
food shops, but my mom’s pesto was quite simply better. Because the necessary
volume of basil was becoming cost prohibitive, her husband had planted basil in their garden. (Parmesan
was expensive too, not to mention pine nuts, but apparently there was no hack for them.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">A couple weeks later, a large
box from Amazon arrived, addressed to Lily, quite surely an accident because
the several packages a week we receive from Amazon are always small. It seemed
like a big-ass hassle to return whatever it accidentally was, so the box sat
near our front door for several days until the next time I spoke to my mom. We
exchanged news, and I said that I had to hang up, when my mom said
(because this is when she discusses all things food), “Tell Lily that she can
always substitute walnuts for the pine nuts, and it wouldn’t be a bad idea for
her to consider growing her own basil,” and I had an epiphany: </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4c1130; font-style: italic;">My mom had sent Lily a food processor
because she thinks she’s going to DIE!</span><span style="color: #741b47;"><i> And what is her first thought? “Who's going to make Lily’s pesto?” </i>Food is love.</span></span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">So, like <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://theword1111new.blogspot.com/2012/07/dead-ex-husbandalive-at-dmv-part-1.html" target="_blank">the scratch on Barrett’s car</a></b> that he really didn’t care about, my
mom sending Lily a food processor was actually a random clue to the Universe,
and to her smaller universe that was the two of us, that her life was nearing its
end. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">The week after my mom died, I
was relieved, numb, and a bit guilty…for not feeling sadder. I had to convince
people that I was ok—because I was ok. My mom’s death fit into the order of the
universe (as opposed to when <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://theword1111new.blogspot.com/2012/07/dead-ex-husbandalive-at-dmv-part-1.html" target="_blank">Lily’s dad died</a>,</b> and we were shattered, because it so did not fit into the order of the
universe). Lily had felt guilty about her feelings: “Mom, when I’m happy, I feel like I
should be sad, and when I’m sad, I feel like my dad would want me to be happy,”
she’d said, at the time, and my best advice was just feel what you feel when
you feel it and know that each feeling is temporary—and that was my best advice
to myself, too: just feel what you feel; you don’t have to feel <i>worse</i> than you
feel. “Everyone grieves in their own way,” Lily told me, wise in the way that a
kid whose universe was shattered when she was 15 can be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">The second week after my mom
died, the week after I felt relieved and numb, I had a craving…was it for the sublime ginger chocolate chip cookies from the <a href="http://deflouredbakery.com/" target="_blank">gluten free bakery</a>? Was it for
pretzels? Popcorn from the Music Box? Was it for curried lentil soup? I even wondered: was it for pesto? My mind
scanned the food world on and off for two days, but I simply had a vague food-itch
that just couldn’t be scratched. Maybe
a Jade Oolong tea, or a Bourbon County beer, or Aztec hot chocolate? </span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;"><b>On the third day, I had an
epiphany.</b> The vague emptiness inside me wasn’t actually a food craving; it was
a vague emptiness where my mother once was, and of course no food, no person or
situation or event, could or would ever fill that space. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the fact that it was a food craving, or
<i>expressed itself</i> as a food craving, even though it had nothing to do with actual
food, was crazy-noteworthy, since my mother had always expressed her <i>love</i> through food--like
most mothers, of course, but even more so than most because 1. she had also
been a caterer and wrote a food column in her local newspaper, and 2. she
really didn’t express love in the usual non-food ways. She wasn’t crazy about
being touched, or making declarations of affection; she was all about cooking—I
mentioned that in her <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://goddesstogoddess.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">obituary</a></b>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">On Thanksgiving, two
months after my mom forgot my birthday (said the Leo), I was assigned a very
specific traditional cranberry relish that my <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">foodie</span> friend gave me the very specific recipe for. Another friend was
over, and we were going to make cranberry relish with Lily’s new pesto-processor…because
we could, because we had one now. The recipe called for orange pieces to be put
in the food processor—but is peeling <i>implied</i>, in a recipe? It didn’t <i>say</i> to
peel them first. But did the recipe <i>really</i> call for oranges with the peels on?
My friend <a href="http://ecollins33.wixsite.com/carteblanche" target="_blank"><b>Elizabeth</b></a>, who has a PhD, and I, the editor of another friend's <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://nocrumbsleft.net/?s=summer+dinner+party" target="_blank">recipe blog</a></b>, two people who should know, pondered whether to peel or not to peel and decided that, since it was
Thanksgiving, I should probably call my mom <i>anyway</i>, and that it was best to call
that second. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">“Leave the peels on,” said my
mom. “And put a cinnamon stick in,” she added—one of those things she just does, things that are not in a recipe, one of those things she would <i>never</i> tell anyone, if
they asked her for her cranberry relish recipe, because strictly speaking the
cinnamon stick was not part of the recipe <i>per se</i>. She enjoyed the phrase "<i>per se</i>." As I was hanging up, Elizabeth whispered, “Tell her how grateful you are that she has so much cooking
knowledge!” So I did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">“But what is going to <i>become</i>
of it?” my mom lamented—and she really did lament this, with a tear in
her voice, on Thanksgiving, two months after she had sent Lily the food processor. And it was
true: she never cooked anything that wasn’t staggeringly good. It was her gift.
<i>It was how she showed her love.</i> She sniffed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">“I just made your mom cry,”
Elizabeth said, in the background, slightly amused and inappropriately proud. </span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">This
was the only worry my mom had expressed aloud about her impending death: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what would become of her cooking tips?</i></span><span style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">What indeed <i>would</i> become of
her cooking tips? She really did have every answer to every cooking question
anyone had ever asked her. I made an effort to reassure her that Lily’s first
attempt at pesto was successful, that Lily embodied every quality of hers that
had <i>skipped a generation</i>: the ability to set a lovely table, interior-design her friends’ rooms, apply makeup, and walk like a model. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">A few days after my mom died,
my daughter called me from her new life in L.A. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">“I’m going to get a <i>tattoo</i>,
in memory of Grandma Bobbie!” she announced. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">“Dude,” I replied, in feeble
protest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">“Help me decide what to get!”
she persisted. I persisted in dissuading her: my mom would absolutely <i>hate</i> that
idea, I said. A tattoo. Just no. She’d hate it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">“I know!” Lily said, “Isn't it ironic?!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">She settled on a basil leaf. I
had lost the tattoo battle long ago, but I’m always honored to be consulted. A
small basil leaf on the back of her arm, above her elbow--could be far worse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lily suggested I share the
pesto recipe in my mom’s obituary (an inspired idea, until I saw the price of
obituaries per word), and it is indeed a fantastic recipe, a staple in my
refrigerator for 25 years, a recipe <i>everyone</i> should have…but not so fast. While
my mother loved to hear people raving about her food, and while she would indeed
share a recipe on occasion, I am actually not so certain she would want
everyone in the world to have Bobbie’s Pesto recipe. Because it’s hers</span><span style="font-size: large;">. </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">Being her daughter could be
complicated.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> It still is: how do I do what’s best for the cooks and eaters of
the world, while honoring my mother’s memory, while not allowing the other cooks
to have all the accolades? </span><span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">Epiphany: I don’t have to honor the
part of my mother that would leave out the cinnamon stick when sharing the
cranberry relish recipe--I can use my own sense of consciousness to polish our lineage with some generosity of
spirit. What a relief to see the human insecurities my mom once embodied gently
dissipating, revealing more and more of who she truly was: “exceptional,” said
my dad, whom she had divorced when she was 64, after 40 years (exceptional in his own way for even being able to see that quality in my mom, who'd left him when he was 72). Indeed she was.
While striving for perfection for all her misguided human reasons, she had indeed been exceptional. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">The Divine Mirror that she
is for me now is being polished through the lens of death.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: x-large;">“Why does everyone say only positive
things about someone after they die?”</span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;"> my daughter asked me, ever so long ago, after somebody had died. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">I do see how petty grievances
and long-held resentments are irrelevant in the mirror of physical death.
Our minds are free to see the departed Other in the highest light; the
survivors are lit up and reminded of their own humanity and concurrent
divinity, when they think of their dearly departed. My mother is now a soul, so
I see her soul. It’s so simple. It’s so effortless. <b>The challenge is seeing it
while our loved ones are still alive. </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: x-small;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">So as a tribute to my mom, one
that I think maybe she would like—certainly far more than a basil leaf tattoo—here
is her fantastic pesto recipe. I’m pretty sure these are ALL the ingredients,
but we’ll never know. </span><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;"><b>Grandma Bobbie’s Pesto</b> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;">1 cup basil leaves </span></span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">¼ cup minced parsley</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">½ cup olive oil </span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">4 Tbs freshly grated parmesan</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">2 Tbs pine nuts* </span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">3-4 cloves garlic</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">½ tsp salt, or to taste</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">¼ tsp white pepper** </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;">Place all ingredients except olive oil in bowl of processor and process till well chopped, then drizzle in the olive oil. Process till fairly smooth. Pour in jar and cover with 1/4 inch oil to preserve. Refrigerate (or freeze).</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">*Toast pine nuts a bit. </span><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Don’t tell my mom I told you.</span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;">**This is the secret ingredient she never divulged.<br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;"><b>Pesto Butter:</b> Blend 3 Tbs pesto with 1 stick softened butter. Use on garlic toast, steamed vegetables, or popcorn.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: #4c1130;"><b>Pesto Salad Dressing:</b> Blend 6 Tbs pesto with 1/3 cup wine vinegar, 2/3 cup olive oil, and an additional clove of crushed garlic. Shake well in covered jar to blend. </span></span><br />
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Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-80555492102401221512018-03-10T19:58:00.002-08:002018-03-11T11:19:07.366-07:00Barbara Terket Thomas Connolly (1940-2018) <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="background: white; color: #404041; font-size: 16.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Barbara
Connolly (Barbara Terket Thomas), 77, of Fort Collins, Colorado, passed away February
11, 2018 blessed by the devoted presence of her husband. Beloved wife of John
Connolly for 14 years, former wife of Theodore Thomas of Phoenix, Arizona for
40 years, dearest mother of Rachel Fiske (f.k.a. Barbara Lynn Thomas, GHS Class
of 1979) of Chicago and Nick Thomas of Phoenix, Arizona, loving grandmother to
Lily Fiske (21) of Chicago, Barbara was a graduate of East Chicago Washington
High School (1958) and Indiana University Northwest, where she received a
Master’s Degree in Education. Barbara married Theodore Thomas of Hammond in
1960 and they resided in Griffith, where she taught at Eldon Ready Elementary
School through 1979. After moving west together, she taught at Tomahawk
Elementary School in Phoenix in the 1980s and 90s, and eventually retired to
Fort Collins, Colorado, after marrying John Connolly, also a 1958 graduate of
East Chicago Washington High School, in 2004. Barbara’s love for cooking and
her ability to manage any cooking crisis prompted her to answer the constant
stream of calls she received every Thanksgiving with the cheerful greeting,
“Turkey Hotline!” She enjoyed cooking for family and friends and has bequeathed
her exceptional recipe for Barbara’s Pesto to her granddaughter, Lily, after
making and mailing jars of pesto to Lily quarterly for the past 20 years. She
clearly and passionately expressed her love and devotion through cooking.
Barbara’s ashes will be scattered on the mountaintop in Estes Park, Colorado,
where she and John Connolly were married. This is her fabulous pesto:</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;">Grandma Bobbie’s Pesto </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;">4 Tbs freshly grated parmesan</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;">2 Tbs pine nuts* </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;">3-4 cloves garlic</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;">½ tsp salt, or to taste</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;">¼ tsp white pepper </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;">Place all ingredients except olive oil in bowl of processor and process till well chopped, then drizzle in the olive oil. Process till fairly smooth. Pour in jar and cover with 1/4 inch oil to preserve. Refrigerate (or freeze).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 21.3333px;">*Toast pine nuts a bit. Don’t tell my mom I told you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;"><b>Pesto Butter:</b> Blend 3 Tbs pesto with 1 stick softened butter. Use on garlic toast, steamed vegetables, or popcorn.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 21.3333px;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #404041; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 21.3333px;"><b>Pesto Salad Dressing:</b> Blend 6 Tbs pesto with 1/3 cup wine vinegar, 2/3 cup olive oil, and an additional clove of crushed garlic. Shake well in covered jar to blend. </span></span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-76729642259876491192015-06-23T14:04:00.003-07:002015-06-23T15:31:44.015-07:00Ceremony as a Way of Life<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">I am recalling our
unique goddess-blessing ceremony Sunday evening: imagine us in a retreat
setting. Imagine we had prepared by exploring the grounds of this imaginary retreat center and found
things in nature to ornament ourselves and each other with. What if we had rolled-up antique paper scrolls to write our goddess’s advice on, before making our
proclamations? What if the mother and daughter pair being anointed were sitting on a
throne as we anointed them? What if the retreat was staffed by mothers and
daughters who had been there before, who knew how to hold space during
ceremony, who provided us with examples of full presence? And imagine that, </span><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>after our lovely rose water blessing, </b></span><span style="font-size: large;">our chef had dinner ready,</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> then after dinner in this scenario which, as long as we are using our imaginations, we can place in Northern California, we mothers got into a hot tub and the girls hopped into a pool, and we soaked up the
warmth of the water and the remaining sun. Sigh.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">That is
my dream and my vision:</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> taking Sunday night’s mini-ceremony to a higher level
of pomp and circumstance, making it desirable for daughters everywhere (yet maybe
even a bit too edgy for the average mom). A weekend retreat like the one I envision will add a sense of
ritual, a coming of age ceremony, a pageantry, that secular America lacks. What
if all girls’ spirits were honored? What if girls were told and shown how their unique spirit comes from their goddess lineage? Look out into the world: we see adolescents
making up their own “coming of age” activities…<i>not</i> involving their moms. Let’s
preempt that with something spectacular. When girls believe they are <b>more</b> than what our culture teaches, when girls are tuned into their inner voice, when their mother-daughter connection is experienced as sacred...</span><span style="font-size: x-large;">it will change the way girls interact with each other and the world.</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">I’m
writing a manual to go with my book, so that</span> <span style="font-size: x-large;">any mom who wants to can create a
MoonBeams mother-daughter circle</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> to unplug and honor each other’s humanness and
inner goddess. Hold the vision for me! See all girls everywhere honored simply
for being who they are! See a world in which girls can grow into their
adolescence consciously, and moms can, just as consciously, honor their
daughters’ impending independence. A mere 90 minutes a month in a MoonBeams
circle can pave the way for enlightened mother-daughter relationships! And at
the end of each MoonBeams year, mothers and daughters would come together en
masse for a weekend of seeing and honoring each other in unforgettable ways.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Our
daughters are our MIRRORS and our LENSES!</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>For more
information on setting up your own MoonBeams mother-daughter experience, please
contact me.</i></span><span style="font-family: Garamond;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-82875107681208050492015-04-05T13:35:00.002-07:002020-11-13T12:57:45.535-08:00The First MoonBeams Mother-Daughter Group<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">HOW TO
START A MOONBEAMS GROUP</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">CIRCLE UP for Community
Support: <i>a Book Clip from Chapter 7</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">My
vision</span></span><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;"> was to lead a ritual and celebration when Lily started her monthly
cycle. But when she was about nine, I began to realize that I couldn’t
just spring it on her; she and her friends needed to be eased into this
celebration with a monthly group, a group of mothers and daughters who would
enjoy coming together and creating sacred space and being--simply <i>being</i>--together.
</span><span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">That idea tapped me on the shoulder</span></span><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">, but I wasn’t convinced it was time
to begin, and in fact I wasn’t even sure just what it was we’d be doing, since
my intention was to just be! Of course I wanted to have a clear idea of
what it looked like before inviting people to a monthly circle. I put
that idea on my back burner, and the shoulder-tapping became downright
pressure. More than once, I wondered, “What if another mother had this idea and
invited me to her group?” but I knew I wanted to be the one to do the inviting
and plan the evening. It was welling up in me. Overriding my
uncertainties, I sent out an email to my list of yoga students and friends,
inviting mothers with ten-year-old daughters to join me in a circle to honor
our daughters. I had cast the net, and ten mothers immediately responded,
so I set a date and opened up to whatever the curriculum was going to be.
I trusted it would emerge, just like the curriculum for my yoga workshops
always had.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">Lily was
slightly uncomfortable with this prospect--the prospect of her mom potentially
looking foolish in front of all her friends and their moms. I agreed: how
horrifying if Lily were to be embarrassed by my antics—though I am one of the
most composed, low-key, unembarrassing people I know. Nevertheless that
was Lily’s number one fear, and I had sympathy. So we made a deal: </span><span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">I
committed to run the mother-daughter evenings by her in advance,</span></span><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;"> and she would
have the right to reject anything that seemed dumb, embarrassing, or not fun. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">For our
first evening, we packed roses, a cloth for our altar, water and cups, cd’s (!),
tissues. Lily helped me set up the room. Her friends giddily showed up,
sat beside their moms, and looked at me expectantly. I felt their trust.
Taking in the gazes of the daughters, I felt alive with a heightened sense of
adventure, tuned in and open to whatever might happen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">First we
played what eventually we called the blindfold game, which wasn’t a game at
all—more than just an icebreaker, a chance for girls to tune into each other
with their hands, as an extension of their hearts, and then we talked about it.
Moms were supportive and offered comments that helped the girls open up
to share. I assured the moms that girls’ inevitable giggles were ok with me. We
placed meaningful items on our “sacred space,” or altar, as symbols for each of
us, individuals creating beauty when arranged together in a sacred space.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">The
following two evenings, over the next two months, went equally and fulfillingly
well. On the fourth evening, I began to run the agenda past Lily.
“Mom?” she interrupted, “Can you <i>not</i> tell me what we’re going to
do? I want to be surprised, like the other girls.” </span><span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Here was my
green light; I had won over my daughter.</span></span><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: x-large;">She trusted</span><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;"> that this wouldn’t
be a group about me embarrassing her. Each month we went a bit deeper,
from honoring our daughters externally with rose petals to allowing a special
word, describing a quality that they wished to embody, to be revealed to
them—from their own hearts. The girls learned that they deserved to be
honored—in fact they loved it, they soaked it up! And they learned how to
grow, how to create themselves, consciously, from the inside, out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">A couple
days before each circle, that circle would be revealed to me. The lack of
effort was amazing and humbling…I felt that I was “doing” practically nothing;
the level of reward for simply opening up to these ideas was disconcerting…but
I got used to it. There were plenty of wonderful ideas in the world for
rituals and exercises that the girls and mothers could do, that would allow
them to see each other, and honor what they saw.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">Four
months after we began, we decided that everyone who was going to join had
joined. So we formally, and symbolically, closed the circle by taking a
ball of yarn, passing it around, wrapping our own wrist three times and handing
it to the person on our left until we were all tied together in a circle.
Then we each cut the strings that bound us together and declared that
symbolically, we were still connected, then passed the scissors to our left. We
tied each other’s loose ends, and were each left with a yarn bracelet to remind
us of our connection to ourselves and to our supportive group. It was
beautiful and deeply felt. I was doing what I most wanted to do. I
was manifesting my dream: our mother-daughter circle was real, and had a
life of its own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">MOONBEAMS<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">MoonBeams
groups create new and fertile terrain and provide an opportunity to check in on
a deep level.</span></span><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;"> They give each girl a chance to practice being seen by her
mom and her friends at the same time, which challenges her to be true to
herself. They give us a chance to practice noticing if we feel judged, as
mothers, and to let that go. If you are motivated, rally your friends from high
school and college, the soccer moms, your facebook friends, and ask for a
commitment. Our original group has lasted six years and is still intact.
Ask your daughter whom she’d most want to invite, and whom she’d least like to
invite, and see if some of the girls she is not friends with have mothers who
are open to the possibility of creating one magical evening a month that will
transcend cliques and old rifts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">The most
difficult aspect of starting a group is agreeing on a time to meet. Our
first group met one Wednesday evening a month for three years, then one Tuesday
evening a month for a year. When the girls reached high school, we
switched to Friday nights, when there was less homework pressure and the girls
could stay up later. But Friday night brought new conflicts: dances and dates.
Although everyone was fully committed to our MoonBeams group, sometimes
there was a conflict that took precedence. An occasional play rehearsal,
a religious holiday, a school performance…but we stayed flexible. </span><span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">We were fully
committed to showing up and being, once a month</span></span><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">, and we are still thrilled when
we can make it happen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">Reserving
a couple hours once a month, in a supportive group, to tap in on a deep level
is a great vaccination against depression, alienation, and acting out. It
is also a good vaccination against eating disorders and self-medication, against
losing ourselves in someone else, against tuning out who we truly are.
Hearing and honoring the inner voice: THAT for girls is what defines an
individual—not piercings or eyeliner or a boy’s attention. When we insist
on not hearing our inner voice, it sometimes needs to roar to get our
attention—a monthly check-in helps prevent that roar. Let’s allow that
voice to exist as it is meant to be, as the “still, small voice,” rather than
it having to morph into something much less pleasant, like anger or pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">Although
it is easier to schedule on the same evening every month, it is an unusual and
exciting option to schedule monthly around the moon—I prefer the new moon,
because that’s when the farmers sow seeds, as opposed to the full moon, when we
are “out there,” and less internal; the full moon is when farmers harvest.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">So make
a monthly appointment with your daughter and her friends to do…nothing.
Together. To get absolutely nothing done. Together. To let your
spirits play. Together. </span><span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">That’s what today’s girls are calling out
for—they want to be with their moms, unplugged.</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;">When we
create a place where our daughters can be seen and celebrated for the voice of
their heart, that is the place from which they will conduct their lives.
When they are able to hear and follow their inner voice, they will live
in happiness, health, and harmony. </span><span style="font-family: Garamond;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">When we take time out to honor them, they will learn to
surround themselves with others who honor them.</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-53074063162174748592015-01-07T12:10:00.004-08:002015-01-07T12:10:45.418-08:00MoonBeams Book Clip from Chapter Six: Beliefs about Food<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">BELIEFS ABOUT
FOOD, AND THEIR EVOLUTION<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">My mother is a really great cook! She uses fresh ingredients
and makes things from scratch. Rarely did she open a can or a box during my
childhood.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">Her parents would kill a chicken, when it was time to eat chicken.
And that was just…normal to her, because she grew up with it. When
I was little and she’d describe it, I couldn’t even imagine eating a chicken
that had previously been running around my yard. As a child I was
relieved my parents didn’t do that wringing of the neck thing my mom had so
nostalgically described.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">In my own childhood chicken memories my mom sliced her own
chickens, bought whole from the butcher. I remember too well, the sound of the
chicken’s back breaking—apparently a necessary step in the slicing of a
chicken. Frankly it was a tad horrifying but…I sure did enjoy my mom’s
chicken stew, her chicken soup. She never made anything that was not delicious
and that back-cracking sound was not an impediment to my enjoyment. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">As an adult, when I saw already-cut-up chickens at the grocery
store, it made so much sense to take one further ancestral step away from
chicken preparation. I made it well into adulthood never having cracked even
one chicken’s back. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">Later I stopped buying chicken altogether, for a yoga-teacher
reason: I just didn’t feel great about having a dead chicken in the
house. Therefore, my daughter had never seen one, though she had eaten chicken
soup regularly in restaurants and with friends. When she was five, Lily
asked me how to make chicken soup. I told her: first you put a
chicken in a pot, cover it mostly up with water, add and onion, carrots, and
celery, some spices, and simmer it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">“What do you mean, a chicken?” she asked. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #660000;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">“I mean, a chicken,” I replied. </span><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">“A real chicken? Is it a <i>dead</i> chicken?” she asked. I
nodded. She was fairly shocked. I found it slightly amusing, but also a
reality-check, when she asked, “Where do you <i>get</i> a dead chicken?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">She was surprised to learn that you get them at the grocery store,
and asked to see them. She was and still is a tad horrified.
Eventually she re-integrated it, because her mother told her it was ok,
that people do kill animals and eat them.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #660000;"><i><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Is</span></i><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> it ok?—there are various points of view. I was
willing to say it’s ok. And she was willing to believe me. If I had told her it
was wrong and horrifying, she’d have believed that. That’s how kids get
their beliefs. She would in turn validate my belief that it was wrong and
horrifying, by believing me. If I told her people who kill chickens are
wrong, she’d believe that. Yet my parents grew up with parents who killed
chickens for meals. My mother didn’t even consider it a belief; it just <i>was</i>.
In this enlightened age I get to choose what beliefs I pass on, about bodies
and food—about everything. And my daughter gets to choose which ones to
embrace. Beliefs can change and evolve. This can be disconcerting to parents.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="color: #660000;">After years of enjoying chicken soup, one day out of the blue, as
a teenager, Lily decided she was no longer a meat-eater. It just didn’t feel
right to her anymore. Though this made my role as cook a bit harder, I was
happy to find protein alternatives to support her decision. It’s up to Lily
what she wants to teach—and feed--<i>her </i>daughter.</span></span><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-17019531516518653862014-04-19T11:39:00.001-07:002020-10-11T18:54:40.956-07:00'tis the season (an oldie, re-posted)Lily has been obsessed this week with “feel-good” movies. Coincidentally (surely!) I’ve been crabby, and looking for the route out.<br />
<br />
“Mom, is this a feel-good movie?” she asked in the middle of Burlesque. That was the first time I heard her use the term. She was born a feel-good person, so of course this term would catch her attention. So far, her few personal dramas have had happy endings, but she seems to find it a bit suspicious that it’s actually a movie genre.<br />
<br />
The afternoon after we saw Burlesque, because we’re homeschoolers and we can do whatever we want, she was watching Amelie, as a French assignment. Kind of. Afterward, I asked her how it was. “It was a feel-good movie,” she said.<br />
<br />
“Seriously?” I thought she was teasing me. But I do recall it had a happy ending.<br />
<br />
I have a reaction to the label ‘feel-good.’ It smacks of marketing. How gratifying that my daughter is suspicious, because she’s otherwise fairly gullible. I imagine her questions, the ones she’d ask if I weren’t in such a crabby mood: “Mom, does anyone NOT feel good after a feel-good movie?” I imagine myself making a crabby retort.<br />
<br />
“If people don’t leave feeling good, is it still a feel-good movie?” This is the kind of question that makes me gaze at her speechless. I am going into a mini-trance just typing it. Wisely, she never asked either, which gave me space to wonder why I’m so unreceptive to feel-good movies. I seem to assume that these movies cannot possibly be works of art and therefore must be works of marketers, because they know, they totally know, because they do focus groups, that people will PAY to feel good. Sure, people pay for movies that aren’t feel-good movies…but I’m not suspicious of those movies. I only feel the wariness about feel-good movies. They seem to be written by grade-B writers. I’m so crabby.<br />
<br />
Two of my facebook friends recommended The Blind Side; Lily has been avidly reading the comments to my status update query regarding feel-good movies—perhaps only because she receives notifications on her phone. As she reads my comments and critiques my facebook comment-writing style, which makes me crabby. “That was confusing,” she points out, and indeed the next person who commented was indeed confused. (Somehow, her friends’ comments are not confusing at all…even though they don’t use vowels.) Anyway--Lily and I once tried to watch The Blind Side and couldn’t. We tried--I actually thought she was enjoying it; I thought she’d object when I said I’d had enough, but she agreed. “This movie is lame,” she had said. I was relieved. I excused my facebook friends’ questionable taste with the fact that they are from Indiana, and Lily was curious. “Really? Really, mom? People from Indiana have bad taste in movies?” She was asking in earnest. I was hoping she was not going to make this the thesis of her homeschooling term paper.<br />
<br />
“I don’t know,” I said, “maybe just the ones from my hometown.” I’m from Indiana, so I can say whatever I want, right? Ever so crabby.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, I was writing a eulogy—bummer--and coming face to face with who I even am and how much of my ancient human-ness I am able to transform to Light in order to come ever more into harmony with my partner. It was a long two days. I could see why people take pills. I have every skill and tool and awareness to not declare war on the world, on my partner, on my kid, on myself, so I didn’t, but I was still edgy.<br />
<br />
So I was driving north on Sheffield, pondering what would lift me back up, knowing I had a choice—what was it?! I was trying to remember what had lifted Katrina out of a similar feeling just last week…when she was having her own auto-immune-ish type of reaction to Love.<br />
<br />
Our shadows, we have seen, sometimes react against Love Itself. We see how it works. We’ve got its numba. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make us pause, sometimes.<br />
<br />
And then I remembered what lifted her up, into a mini-epiphany: she had missed feeling good, she missed being close to me, and simply chose to change, reroute…immediately…yes! That’s all I needed to do; realign with love, just because I missed the feeling.<br />
<br />
And just then, a white Honda pulled in front of me with the license plate: “LOVE WINS.”<br />
<br />
Confirmation. So much better than a movie! So much quicker. Absolutely arresting. A stunning moment by the Universe that caught my eye, and was followed by a series of numbers in a more esoteric but still staggering communication to me that all is well. In truth, there was a part of me that wanted to stay crabby nevertheless.<br />
<br />
Do I even deserve to feel happy and be loved right now? On my crabby drive up Sheffield? Even though I am totally flawed as a human being? Apparently yes. Even though not everything is totally totally sorted out yet? Apparently yes. Yes. Love wins. Love whatever’s in your way, love whatever is blocking the way of Love. Got it.<br />
<br />
Turning toward the Light, I am convinced, is immediately rewarded, with good feelings and license plate communications and lucky numbers, and is worth accessing by almost any means necessary…even feel-good movies. Really, whatever it takes. In case I still didn’t get it, LOVE WINS proceeded to park right in front of me when I reached my destination. LOVE WINS.<br />
<br />
--I must add, people from my hometown also recommended my two favorite choices: Slumdog Millionaire and Little Miss Sunshine. Actually people from my hometown have GREAT taste in movies, when it agrees with mine.<br />
<br />
And hey, is Burlesque indeed a feel-good movie? And if so, aren’t all musicals, Corrie Lenn Borris? Because otherwise they’d be operas, wouldn’t they?Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-54294245134190556662013-12-21T13:17:00.004-08:002023-04-05T09:35:51.598-07:00My Brother as Mirror: a family drama<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I sat next to my brother at
my dad’s wedding</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> dinner five years ago.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">
</span><span style="font-size: medium;">It was difficult to avoid; my mother wasn’t there—since it was my dad’s
wedding—and there we were, the close relatives of my father, all two of
us.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">My daughter spent the evening
writing funny notes to my cousin, sitting beside me but in a totally different
world—she is so blessed--while I sat beside my brother listening to his
monologue, which was one third victimhood, one third scarcity and lack, and one
third humorous commentary on current events.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">I tried not to wonder if he had showered recently, or if he was high,
and just observed with my best witness consciousness—not the easiest point of
view to attain at a family event, but I had just come off of a long and blissful
week of tantra in Northern California.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">I
had seen dolphins and whales from edge of a cliff.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">While having sex. The last thing I wanted to
do was turn around and spend—well, <i>money</i>, first of all, but---time in the midst
of my relatives.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Universe was
offering me a buzz kill, and I was declining.</b></span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">
</span><span style="font-size: medium;">I’d smile through it.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">I love the
pictures from my dad’s wedding; I look radiant.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">Darn glad my dad was marrying a woman 20 years younger who is an elder
care giver! </span><span style="font-size: medium;">I could not have written a
better plot for myself.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> I had managed
to buy tickets for my daughter and myself that let us land just in time for the
wedding and leave the following morning, which felt very corporate, and I kind
of liked it.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Somehow my father chose an
excellent Romanian restaurant, and although there was practically nothing I could eat, given my austere Ayurvedic diet, it was certainly
a huge step up from what I’d expected when I’d heard the words “Romanian
restaurant.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus I got to dance with my
dad, which is always a treat, because he chants the beat in my ear, which, <i>one</i>,
really demystifies the whole dancing thing for me and, <i>two</i>, makes me feel taken
care of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>One two three, one two three.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">So I sat with my younger
brother and received knowing glances from our aunts and cousin, who see him
more regularly than I do—which isn’t difficult since we don’t know each other’s
phone numbers and my brother hasn’t showed up for a family event in several
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they know him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">“Dad stole three grand from
me,” my brother mentioned,</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> after his witty and articulate update on the state
of the bumblebees and how it will be affecting the economy in years to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">“He <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did</i>?” I asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe someone
with…<i>balls</i>…or a few Landmark Forums...would have called him on it immediately,
but I wasn’t there to start a fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
last time I had called him on anything—years ago, certainly well before my now 12-year-old
was born—he had thrown a beer at me, from across the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had held onto the glass, but whipped
the contents across the kitchen, and as I stood, stunned, wondering if I was
in a past life memory about being cowboys in a saloon, my dad had gotten a dish
towel and started soaking it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
pragmatic move I guess, as opposed to holding onto any shred of hope that Nick
would suddenly snap into some level of sanity, or even momentary clarity, let
alone clean it up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">So I sat at my dad’s wedding
dinner and looked at the sumptuous, beef-laden platters Romania is known for and listened to the
drama of the "three grand," eagerly awaiting the moment when I could be alone with my
dad, so I could mention it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">“That’s ridiculous,” my
father said,</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> when we took a walk in the fresh air later in the evening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I of course had known it was ridiculous but
just wanted to have that moment of sharing, bonding, with my dad, more amusement
on my part than his.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said that if
anything, my brother had taken money from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">him</i>,
mostly in the form of bills my dad has paid for my brother without being
reimbursed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">After I had returned to
Chicago and was asked how the wedding was, I said, </span><span style="font-size: large;">“My brother is a living
tribute to my family’s deepest ancestral dysfunctions.”</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Where I am hyperaware of any shred of
victimhood in myself, or feeling of financial lack, and consequently change my attitude
or my energy or my verbiage on the spot, my brother spouts it out,
uncontrolled. <b>Our ancestral lack is running his life.</b></span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><b> </b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Granted, a little medication
would take the edge off for him, if he’d consent to a prescription, but I am
not sure how even with medication a person could dig himself out of a hole he
doesn’t know he’s in, and I knew during our conversation and actually ever
since the thrown beer, that to point out to him that he is responsible for his
own life results in conflict, or a mess.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">We were
surrounded by food. I was wearing an
absolutely heavenly dress.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> So </span><span style="font-size: medium;">I was
unwilling to be a perpetrator of even <i>subtle</i> truth, under those circumstances,
or <i>any</i>, actually, which is why I don’t know my brother’s phone number.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">“Do you mind sitting on the
other side of me,” he had requested, “so I can hear you; I can’t hear out of
this ear because of my accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
just lucky I have any ear at all. Hey, if you sit on the other side of me, you
won’t have to look at the carnage.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
was enticing motivation to change seats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">The accident: that would be the accident in which he was DUI, the result
of which in Arizona is an immediate loss of driving privileges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He rides a bike everywhere or his girlfriend
drives him—his girlfriend, whom he hates, so much he wouldn’t go visit her in the hospital after her mastectomy, his girlfriend who is the exact same age as my dad’s
bride, who I am thrilled to say is indeed a happy, nurturing, Romanian eldercare
giver twenty years younger than my dad, which gives me no end of relief, since
my brother is clearly ill-equipped to handle caring for my dad, if ever the
time comes, even though they both live in Phoenix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suspect my dad will outlive my brother,
though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">My father has been to Romania
several times in the last 15 years, representing a bank that never did get off
the ground, leaving him and my mom fairly devoid of savings—between the bank
and my brother’s legal bills. My parents
would rather have no money at all than have their son in jail, where he
deserves to be, where he might actually have the valuable experience of hitting
bottom. So...my inheritance. That’s where it is! Two DUI accidents and a bank that was so
bound for success that even I invested a few thousand. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: large;">No one else in my nuclear family has any money at
all. </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>And it’s not our fault.</i> That's the story.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">On one of my dad’s trips to
Romania</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> he went to visit family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before
his first trip, his business associate had informed him that he had been using
the equivalent of hillbilly Romanian grammar all his life—my dad is quite the
English stickler and would be horrified if I ever said the word “ain’t” which
he apparently was unwittingly saying in Romanian.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knew?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just spoke the
Romanian his parents had spoken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
that wasn’t going to cut it in the banking industry. Or even in any Romanian city. So he brushed up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">O</span>n one of his trips he went out to the
country to visit relatives he’d never met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He knew a couple of cousins in the city, a professor and a dentist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the other side of the family was a day
trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So he arrived, I assume nattily
dressed, because my mother had trained him well, and was offered wine, which they
served him in a tin cup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He drank,
politely. After he had eventually placed the empty tin cup back on the
table—apparently he was the only one partaking---the head of the household
picked up the cup, refilled it, and took a sip, which is when my father realized
that this family owned only one cup.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I have been told that our
ancestors were shepherds—that my father’s father was a shepherd.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">It was an absolutely stunning realization to
me, that my edge—it is just an <i>edge</i> and not a full-blown, acted out <i>fear</i>, not a
shadow I’d don and display at a wedding dinner, for example---that my
edge of slight, teeny, tiny fear of homelessness stems from these
shepherds.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">My life made so much more
sense, once I’d learned of the shepherds.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">No wonder I dislike and dread moving.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">No wonder I was destined to choose a husband who would lose all of our
money, plus--</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">plus</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> <i>just</i> enough more to
keep us in debt forever.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">And I had
imagined we were vampires.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I would like to be able to
break in now with a riveting drama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Something that ties together the one wine cup with our inheritance. But this is all I have: my brother and I have three alcoholic grandparents, just
short of 100% destiny toward self-destruction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we, as siblings, inherited a wine cup, but only <i>one</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he got it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could have been a silver spoon, but no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do the genetics, there is a certain
probability, a likelihood of who will inherit being a victim to alcohol: it's 50-50.
I win.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Maybe there is something else
at work in the world of families, something else less quantifiable.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I received an unquantifiable
gift sitting next to my brother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
still stunned, when I realize what an incredible mirror he is, spouting off the
worst of what our lineage has to offer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Our family can’t do anything!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can’t even hear!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Due to circumstances beyond our control!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we couldn’t afford to do anything anyway,
even if we had the freedom, because we’re broke; money’s hard to make, and
there is great unfairness involved.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Thank you, Nick!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: medium;">My mom told me, a few years
ago--and why she never thought to tell me sooner, I’ll never know; had it just
occurred to her that second?--that three of her father’s three brothers had
committed suicide.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">Let me rephrase
that.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">All three of my grandfather’s
brothers killed themselves.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">I’m not going anywhere with
that; I’m just wanting to take the burden off my dad’s cup-sharing
relatives.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">Lest anyone blame my father
for my brother’s carnage, I needed to mention that my mom’s side of the family
has some undertow as well.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I am sorry that my brother
has turned into such a vivid cartoon of my ancestral dysfunction.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">He was a brilliant and creative child,</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> very
sensitive, probably too sensitive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Super
cute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It probably didn’t serve him well,
or more likely my parents didn’t know what to do with a sensitive, cute boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither did they know what to do with a
tomboyish girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow I managed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow he didn’t. I have invested zero
energy in him for so long, that I can honestly say I’m near neutral.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He feels like a second cousin, sad but
true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I talk to my guy cousins more. I know their numbers. </span>Sometimes I feel a tiny bit of guilt—it
barely registers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">I love whatever energy
of him, whatever Love we share, the Divine energy that We both Are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sad that he seems to be a shell around
that Love, impenetrable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There has been
a part of me over the years that has wondered if it is my responsibility to
pull him up, but I have attempted to resuscitate a few dead men in my life, and
I’ve never been successful, and it’s been, ultimately, draining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think the best I can do is just honor the Light
that he is, and when I think of him, hold him in the Light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think of him <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">as</i> that Light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">And not as a
bottomless pit of wasted money.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-69979157099608338332012-11-27T13:12:00.003-08:002020-10-28T17:23:24.528-07:00Shaving...a clip from my Mother-Daughter book<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 18pt;">BODIES<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 18pt;">Getting
clear on how you were parented in regard to your body will help you see whether
you’re parenting from habit or from your highest, most conscious choice. In
turn your daughter’s inner voice will be able to come through clearly for her,
without the static that comes from confusion. Beliefs change over generations.
Separating your own inner voice from what your parents and society taught you
will be an enlightening, liberating experience. How autonomous were you, as a
growing girl?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 18pt;">One
summer day when I was 12 I was strolling through the park to my best friend’s
house. I bravely stopped to chat with
some older boys, high school boys who worked in the park and had sisters my
age. One of them casually mentioned that
I might want to consider shaving my legs.
I disengaged from the conversation as soon as was socially appropriate,
continued through the park to my best friend’s house, my leg hairs growing
longer with every step, and asked for a razor.
My friend wasn’t even home—I asked her sister <a href="http://www.inspiringmoms.com/" target="_blank">Amy</a>. I sat down then and there on the edge of
their tub and unceremoniously shaved my legs.
There was no way I was walking back home through the park—or anywhere--with
those gorilla-like leg hairs. This was
not a topic I’d discussed with my mother, so there was no threat of repercussion for
shaving my own legs at the moment I deemed perfect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 18pt;">In retrospect,
although I had full leg-shaving autonomy in relation to my mother, I had
previously given the matter zero consideration, grabbing a razor in response to
a boy’s offhand comment, as though I had no choice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 18pt;">The
first time my daughter mentioned leg hair, I told her she had a choice. I told her first that European women don’t
have the same obsession with hairless legs and that it is acceptable not to
shave at all, ever, which she found horrifying.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 18pt;"><b>“Of
course I’m going to shave,” she informed me.
“So when can I shave them?”</b> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 18pt;">She was
adamant, so I chose age 13. It was several months away, even though “all” her
friends were already shaving, so I had time to campaign for no shaving at all; I
was passionate about my point of view: her leg hairs were blonde and sparse (although
to her they looked gorilla-like). She
told me how most of her friends had shaved without even asking their mother;
they shaved at each other’s houses. But
she was willing to wait per our agreement. After I had had my say (which consisted of an occasional: “Is there
anything I can say or do that will get you to consider not shaving your legs?”)
I had to let go. Her verdict, after that
first shave: her legs felt heavenly, and she had savored the whole shaving experience.
She still does.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-13429169900414038272012-11-26T10:08:00.001-08:002019-09-21T14:25:31.742-07:00Mother-Daughter Book Gets Edgy...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16pt;">A NEW BELIEF ABOUT PARENTING OUR DAUGHTERS<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">What if we approach mothering our daughter from a new
perspective? A Divine Feminine
perspective, as opposed to the old patriarchal view of obeying whoever is in
power. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">What is a Divine Feminine
perspective? We were born into a
male-energy way of relating to the world and behaving in the world. We have become linear, task-oriented,
hierarchical, externally led and externally powered. We barely realize it,
because it is simply “how things are,” even though people are exhausted,
depressed, and centered around having possessions. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">In the Divine Feminine perspective, there is
no punishment. There are no power struggles. There is a sense of being
receptive to new ideas and an allowance for creative solutions. There is less striving externally and more
intention-setting and believing and sychronicity and ease. The old way of being has not helped humanity
in raising daughters who don’t grow up into insecure, competitive women—if we
are secure, unthreatened individuals, it is <i>despite</i>
the old programming. The old perspective did not teach girls to listen to their
inner voice; it taught us to obey authority.
The old perspective on parenting is a belief system that’s been handed
down to us. What if we could make a
shift? For some, this shift will be easy and welcome. For others, there may be
some resistance. Some people hold onto beliefs tighter than others. So be
patient and loving with yourself—it’s the Divine Feminine way to be!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Here is
a belief and its transformation: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Sex is
inherently bad. Women should not like
it. It is used for babymaking, within
wedlock. <span style="color: red;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">From the
60s…out of the ashes…came the idea that sexuality and freedom can coexist. That
it could be a pleasure and not inherently or exclusively linked to babymaking.
But still a level “naughtiness” is attached to sex, a level of secrecy and
discomfort.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">And now
try this leap:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16pt;">Sex is Divine. It is a union of spirits
in bodies. Girls engage with it for the first time when they consciously
determine they are ready—with or without a partner. They are in charge of their
level of consciousness regarding their bodies. Sex is not about being afraid or
manipulated in order to be loved. It is about hearing your inner voice, and
making a promise to yourself to honor your body and keeping it. (And eventually it is also about making
babies.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16pt;">The above is just a new belief. Does it rattle you? If you have a
preadolescent daughter, now is the time to begin to investigate your own
beliefs about sexuality.</span><span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Here are
some other beliefs I heard growing up:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Money: Money doesn’t grow on trees. The love of money is the root of all
evil. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Religion: God’ll getcha for that. Catholicism is the one true religion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Bodies: You can never be too rich or too thin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Food: You don’t live to eat, you eat to live. You don’t have to like it to eat it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Jobs: Security versus pleasure--not both in one
job!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Make
your own list from your past.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">1. Money<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">2. Sex<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">3.
Religion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">4.
Bodies<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">5. Food<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">6. Jobs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Which
beliefs still operate in your life? How
have your beliefs evolved? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Consider,
for each item above, that it’s “just” a belief.
Examine why it was important to you or your parents. What is the opposite of this belief? What if your daughter believed the opposite?
Can you imagine letting go of any belief that is not utterly and truly
joyful? Consider whether there are any
beliefs you would like to evolve deliberately.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-68688119150340907642012-11-16T09:41:00.001-08:002019-09-21T14:24:28.943-07:00Tiny Mother-Daughter Book Bite<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">A GENTLE
CLASH OF BELIEFS<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">When she was nine, Lily lost her hat. She had others, but I loved that adorable
butterfly hat and was reluctant to see it go.
Weeks went by. It was definitely
not in our house. She informed her
classmates that I was offering a $5 reward for the hat, and within minutes it
was found at school. That night, the
finder’s mother called me. “Please don’t
give <a href="http://oddlovescompany.com/2012/11/antique-typewriter-meets-teen/" target="_blank">Cole</a> $5,” she said. “He was just
helping out a friend, and he’d gladly do it for free.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">“I insist,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">“Please don’t,” she said. “I’d like him to learn that
there is value in being a good friend.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">“I know,” I said. “I get it. That makes sense. But,” I
countered, “I would like him to learn that simply being himself will reap
rewards out in the world.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">No one was right or wrong; it was a clash of
beliefs. My friend was willing to let
go. I had already offered the reward, and wanted to keep my word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "garamond"; font-size: 16.0pt;">“If you must,” she said. I sent the money to school for him the next day. It made me feel so good—to have the hat back,
and to reward Lily’s friend for being himself.
Life can be easy; work can be playful. Those are beliefs. Speaking of which, I believe that, like Cole, we can be rewarded for being ourselves, for following our inner
guidance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<!--EndFragment-->Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-69593087575813391392011-12-22T12:11:00.002-08:002020-10-16T16:15:11.144-07:00Mother-Daughter book: BREASTS<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">How can we </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">absorb and accept</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> the primary spiritual premise </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that everything happens at the right time</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">? First we need to trust it in ourselves, in our own lives, then we can help our daughters to trust—otherwise they will grow up living <i>outside</i> of the moment.</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">One of the biggest and most exposed areas of trust and timing centers around our daughter’s breasts. Although she may pretend it’s not an issue, breast development takes up lots of space in the preadolescent girl’s consciousness. How can we guide girls’ breast-consciousness in a positive direction? Plus, for those of us with a family history of breast cancer, how can we transform the fear—based on statistics--that at any moment, we may be next?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Honoring our breasts<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>now—mothers and daughters alike--is best way we have of maintaining healthy breast tissue and feeling the sense of empowerment that actually leads to good health. It is the one form of “cancer prevention” that we as a community of women, we as a medical community, have not yet tried. Although churches have a system of honoring God that lasts through generations, these institutions don't teach us to honor our God-given bodies—least of all women’s breasts! If they did, we would have been doing this for generations and breast health might perhaps today be thriving. But in our current society, that which gives life—the physical form of woman--is not being honored. Churches aren’t honoring breasts as a spiritual symbol, as a connector of generations—but we (owners of breasts) can. We must. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It’s up to us.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We need a place where breasts can be healed. There is no western medical entity that I know of that is actually healing breasts. There are those who have uninspiring statistics for cutting into them, cutting them off, and addressing them with chemicals and radiation. Those us of us with a really strong will, or incredible grace, live through it, but do we ever really feel healed? Do we ever really know that our strong will or our incredible grace pulled us through? Or do we credit the medical industry? Can we strengthen our will to live, and nurture it in our daughters, without having to go through breast cancer to develop it? <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(“Develop.” Get it?)<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If we honored our breasts from the moment they developed—the minute girls become self-conscious about them--instead of when they are about to be medically altered, aren’t we instilling them into our daughters’ minds as sacred?<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>Aren’t we teaching them<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>that this <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">body</i> is a sacred place? Won’t the act of honoring be inherently healing? When a girl is worried that her breasts are not developing soon enough, or when she is self-conscious about them developing sooner than she wants, she is inherently not trusting Divine timing. And she is sending that sense of being out of sync directly to her breasts.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In my religious upbringing, not only were bodies not honored, but a sense of shame surrounded issues of bodies and sexuality. Breasts were certainly not honored—what does that even mean? Can you rise above, or burst out, of any early programming and imagine creating a sacred space for bodies, for breasts? Is there lingering shame or judgement in you that you don’t want to pass on to your daughter? Do you truly love your breasts? Can you see them as perfect, even if they are too big or too small or two different sizes? How can we create sacred space for breasts? What does that even look like?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>That <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sacred</i> place is within ourselves</b></span> – that place where breasts can be healed. It is within us. Do I promise to love and honor and obey <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my sacred breasts</i>? As long as they both shall live?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span">Breasts deliver life. They link the generations physically, intimately, like no other part of our bodies. We have lost awareness of that sacred link as a culture and our breasts are sending us the message—through lumps--that something needs to change</span><span class="Apple-style-span"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span"> We have a choice: we can hear this message or not. We can heed this message or not. We can try something different—something pioneering—or not. I believe some day we WILL live in a world without breast cancer, or fear of breast cancer, and if we hear the message to open up the spiritual channel NOW, I envision us altering this reality in our lifetime.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We don’t need to have everyone in the world united in this new vision. We only need to tip the balance of beliefs, to change cultural reality. Only 51% of us need to unite in a desire to significantly reduce breast illness for it to happen. If we are holding the highest good of all concerned in mind, and honoring our breasts, we can change the world. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We get to choose. Only embrace this invitation if you wish to embrace it. This is an invitation to be specifically conscious of your breasts – not just conscious of, but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">honoring of</i> them, reverent toward them…yours and everyone’s, as a sacred life-giving link between generations.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">How many breasts are touched by surgeries in one year, both elective and illness-related, literally how many breasts are touched by a surgeon’s scalpel every year? The number is in the hundreds of thousands. How many have breasts been touched with loving, reverent, nonsexual hands? What if <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that </i>number were in the hundreds of thousands? With conscious touch, we can change the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So much time and money have gone into a search to cure or prevent cancer. Because medicine has not found a cure or the prevention, I have been tempted to look outside the confines of medicine for solutions, and I have narrowed down that search, for the purposes of my mother-daughter groups, to breast cancer. What CAN we do?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #e06666; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Breasts are what link the generations. Breasts are what link the generations to their mothers. Repairing the tears in the fabric of mother-daughter relationships will have an effect on breast cancer. Daughters not pushing mothers away, mothers truly seeing their daughters as they are, and not as they wish them to be, will have a positive effect on breast cancer. Consciously honoring our breasts as the life-sustaining link that they are – more than just objects of arousal – will help to heal the epidemic that is breast cancer. Western medicine has searched, and has not made the level of impact one would expect from millions of dollars and the best medical minds. As conscious mothers we must empower ourselves, take back our own power to heal, and teach our daughters from minute one that their breast development is graced with Divine timing.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-71070938459460758712011-04-08T14:30:00.001-07:002021-03-17T13:37:43.986-07:00Mother-Daughter Book Bite<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">LETTING GO OF OUR WILLS …to get our way</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 70.2pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">This works—if we let go of our scripts. Here’s a translation of a common script:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">Daughter: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I have to fight with all my might, right now, and resist my mother’s control! </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">Mother: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And I have to teach this girl a life lesson, right now</i>! </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">Sometimes in that script we don’t even see each other; we just see our own agenda—that feeling of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">now</i> can grip us, rather than a feeling of holding the moment in calm hands. Our girls, of course, can’t let us win! That would be a blow to their burgeoning will. So they dig in. And it’s not pretty. And due to the sheer ugliness of it, I have to teach that girl that lesson, right now!—right? Well, no. Finally I’ve learned to see that I actually don’t even want to win, in the traditional sense, with my daughter. I don’t want to try to teach her a lesson right when our dynamics are most heated.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">Finally, I’ve become willing to take that old script and whip it into the wind--which sucks, sometimes, because holding the old script can be comforting. But we are both now willing to write a new one, to write a new one that feels mutually empowering and fun. Because Lily doesn’t want to do it, if it’s not going to be fun.)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">I have gradually given up the power that had taken ten years to accrue. I practiced letting go of needing to be right, needing to have the last word. I invented ways of smoothly releasing my power in a way that felt comfortable to both of us. I let go of thinking I needed to teach her a critical life lesson during the hectic five minutes before leaving for school. I was motivated by my observation that…it’s working! Somehow, magically, after our mutual willingness to let go in that moment, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">magically</i>, we would have a moment later that evening during which she or I could say, can we talk about it? How can we do it differently next time? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">It’s kind of a miracle. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">I have an emotional, talkative, and occasionally offensive teenager. We <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i> allowed to be mad at each other, but we’re <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> allowed to blame each other or intend to hurt each other. We do heat up at times. Recently I was so inflamed that I seized her hand, accidentally scraping it—and I had fresh flesh under my fingernails as evidence! It was a horrifying moment in which the Universe was truly putting me under arrest--<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">oh, shit, what if I’m a child abuser?</i>--and after we had inspected the depth of the clawprint and I had expressed my apology, I said, “The only thing that’ll make me feel better about this is if I kiss that knuckle every time you ask me, for the rest of your life.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">She loved this. And I knew she’d treat my vow with reverence and respect.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">A bizarre new script, but we were both thrilled with it and now it’s even funny, when I voluntarily kiss that still slightly scarred knuckle, before she can even request—or protest. Blame is all my family has ever known, so disowning that old script has been liberating.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">But letting go meant disengaging my will—right when Lily was starting to grow hers. It was almost counterintuitive. But that’s because the old script says when the other team gets stronger, you fight even harder. (Look where where that’s led the world.) </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">We have practiced—and practiced—during times of conflict, letting go. It turns out that it is much more difficult for me than for her, because I have been practicing, for 40-something years, the art of holding on! Of digging in! Look—there are fingernail marks to prove it! Deep ones! I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">like</i> to get my way! I have a habit of holding on to an argument—especially because I’m RIGHT! Lily has inherited her share of RIGHT-ness as well, but she is more willing, in the heat and drama and attachment and escalation and resistance, to be the one to say, “Mom, let’s not do this.” And she never feels like she’s giving up power, or giving in. She does it because it’s fun for her to do it a different way.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">We know that the only way <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anyone</i> actually wins is if we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both</i> let go, if we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both</i> let go of that ancient and undesirable feeling of digging in, of getting my way. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">Power over her, or the urge to shape her behavior, is less and less enticing to me. It used to feel great, and now it barely rates. In Lily’s striving for independence and autonomy, we both experience the thrill of surrender, of surrendering to the desire for Peace and connection, which is a more fulfilling reward than winning a battle of wills. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">Now we are in a new stage: recognizing that moment of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">potential</i> conflict escalation, because we know—from experience--it is summoning us to surrender to the beauty of the moment, to the joy. We don’t dig our heels in, we are not gearing up to win—we know we are both going to win. Before it even begins. In an ironic twist, that moment of potential conflict brings a quick surrender to delight—the delight of surrender. And it can happen with a glance in a crowded supermarket, or with a high five in our own kitchen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: right 6.0in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Garamond; font-size: 14pt;">On a larger scale, if there can’t be that kind of surrender to Peace in a mother-daughter relationship, how can there be Peace on Earth? What would the world be like, in the future, if today’s kids learned to enjoy the peaceful art of surrender--if they learned that true power lies in mutual empowerment?</span></div></div>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-28664007027144061542011-03-31T19:20:00.000-07:002011-04-01T16:27:38.701-07:00DC Texting<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Lily is on vacation with my mother and her husband. They create a very different world around them than what Lily is used to. She is used to "Life is Good," and she is immersed in...the opposite. In between nights full of snoring. Periodically she touches base with me via text.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Although texting is currently my preferred mode of communication, I held back all day, to give her some space; on day two, Lily sent me only three reports about my mom, including "Your mom doesn't like you." And: "She's very racist." (Personally I think she's only a little bit racist, but she's probably the most racist person Lily knows.) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Finally, "She won't let me get earplugs, because she's afraid they might get stuck in my ears." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">To the first two texts, I replied: "I realize."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">After the third, evidence that my mom was actively searching for something to fear, knowing also that she won't let Lily out of her sight due to potential kidnappers, feeling like it was time to step in and offer some advice, my thumbs reacted:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">"So you just have to take charge. Just say, 'Bobbie, I've lived in the city all my life. I can find my way from the C Terminal to baggage claim before my mom can even figure out how to meet me at the gate. My friends are having SEX! So please back off because I'm all grown up. And if you want to live in a world where bad things happen, you can. But in my world everything is great, because I believe everything is great. And that's why I'm so happy.'"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">My mom has always said I'm too blunt. Maybe Lily thinks so too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">She texted back:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">"Haha no, it's ok."</span>Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6909523780541653004.post-23123524510261126872011-02-23T11:23:00.001-08:002022-08-28T11:52:53.203-07:00Miss Minny Talks Trash<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";"><span style="font-size: large;">Last night, watching an animated video</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> that Lily had made online, I laughed till I cried.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">The website provides the characters—she created the dialogue, which was peppered with vulgarity and twice described sex acts.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Shouldn’t a kid should be grounded for such an obscene accomplishment?</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">Not only is she not grounded, she gets homeschooling credit—from me. Because she made this video during homeschooling hours. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">And the beauty of her nasty animation creation is, for me, that she transformed one of her innocent childhood characters—her alter ego, who would emerge from the shower in the evenings instead of Lily, the star of an imaginary kids' tv show that took place in our bathroom every night until Lily was about 12.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">In the video, Miss Minny has grown up to look suspiciously like Lady Gaga, and is being interviewed on David Letterman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this interview, our fearless hero of expression veers so far over the edge of propriety that if it were real, they’d have cut to a commercial and yanked her off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that might be funny or not funny for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, knowing that this profanity-spouting character is the grown up version of my innocent 8-year-old daughter is hysterical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I rarely laugh till I cry, but I did, all three times I watched Miss Minny surprise David Letterman with <i>way</i> too much information.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">So why shouldn’t I be grounding her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She just made an R-rated animation. Aren’t I worried? Isn’t she on her way to much worse? Shouldn't I be shaping her behavior? Isn’t she moving hazardously toward breaking a law or two?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">Actually, I think she’s on her way <i>away</i> from it, on her way away from needing to be protected by laws that don’t actually protect us, but create a repressed society because no one learns an <i>internal level of discernment</i> of their own—and I trust Lily’s level of discernment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our level of communication needs to be really high, in order for me to trust that. And it is pretty high—or she wouldn’t have been able to show me the video. If I make rules that impose an external control over her, rather than letting her find her own internal discernment for right or wrong, there will always be a repressed desire to push the rules--I know her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Though worse, for me, would be if she never even felt a desire to push the rules, if she succumbed to a feeling of "what’s the use, why even try?")</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">These days, external control in general is being re-set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We as a species are evolving from externally programmed and externally punished beings, to internally, heart-driven beings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not everyone sees this yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see evidence all around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We no longer need the old paradigm of power coming from outside us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Human HEART is bursting through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it is not an easy shift!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Certainly not on the governmental level, but even less so on the parenting level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would be so much easier just to power through it like my parents, just really shut her down as much as possible so that she won’t embarrass, offend, or insult me…all of which are possibilities on a moment to moment basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is constantly checking to see where we stand with each other, pushing my edges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes--disarmed, or tired or hungry or otherwise not fully present--I will cave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will forget all about being conscious and just bring out the big guns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can be offensive and insulting too; I have loads of experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, it’s happened, the verbal threats.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">The sad thing is, it doesn’t even work on this kid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried it today—well, it’s not that I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tried</i> it, it’s what instantly came out of my mouth after she had made an insulting gesture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I bet she's worried that everyone reading this thinks she gave her mother the finger--and how fortuitous, because isn’t social pressure ever so helpful in shaping behavior? </span></span><span style="font-family: "goudy old style"; font-size: 18.6667px;">Sometimes. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style"; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style"; font-size: 14pt;">(“Lily, do you want to be known as the only seventh grader who’s never had a sleepover?” I asked her in seventh grade.</span><span style="font-family: "goudy old style"; font-size: 14pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style"; font-size: 14pt;">“That’s your issue, mom, not mine,” she said, with zero charge or judgment.)</span><span style="font-family: "goudy old style"; font-size: 14pt; mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">Today, after the insulting gesture, she ran upstairs, pursued by my voice telling her <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> to bother coming back down because I wasn’t going to talk to her, nor was I going to take her to her friend’s house later, where she was deeply invested in going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">As I paused to take a breath and consider whether I was could keep my hasty, angry promise, she came back downstairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">She had barely made it up the stairs! What a huge sign of disrespect! I was ready to hold firm to the punishment, just because she had come back downstairs so <em>soon--</em>before I even had time to get my act together!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">“Mom? I talked to my angels, and they told me to come back down here.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">At this point she broke into hysterics and I didn’t know if she was lying, mocking me, or just couldn’t believe her own ears, but the giggles rattled me and I fought back by walking away; if I had stayed, I might have giggled too, and ruined the whole thing, lost every ounce of power I still had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">But she emerged from her fit and said, "No really, even though I’m laughing, I did go up there and ask my angels what to do and they said to come back downstairs, but they didn't say what to do after that."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">And then I caved, totally, disarmed by her lack of artifice, and just went with the flow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">“Is there any part of this that you would like us to talk about?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was satisfied that she understood what can happen inside her and how it contributes to disharmony between us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And s</span>he, too, felt heard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";"><b>I honor my daughter for coming back down the stairs.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I honor her for stopping and asking for internal guidance before she even got to the top of the stairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I honor her for not prolonging the fight, for not holding a grudge, for being willing to let go and pursue a more peaceful path—which she does regularly, with far more ease and grace than I've ever had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";"><br /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "goudy old style";">So how can I <em>not</em> honor her for her creation of a parody, a cartoonishly enhanced, hilariously edgy video of how obnoxious--and staggeringly inappropriate--my darling daughter can be?</span></span></div>
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Rachel Fiskehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10012014713737114455noreply@blogger.com3